you will see

You love to point fingers to everyone but yourself. You can know how wrong you are but seem to be able to blame it on someone else. I know, you know, God know’s you ain’t good for me but we kept going back to each other. If it wasn’t me going back to you, it was you going back to me. Some may say it’s for a reason but to me It was just a game since it’s coming from you. If I were the only one you were doing this with, I wouldn’t give up on you but lets state the facts, I’m not the only one. Maybe that’s why I always held on to you because I used to believe I was.

We claimed to have feelings,  claimed to be in this for the long run, to always be there but yet again we never anything. No title, no commitment, no nothing. I think you played this game because it gave you the satisfaction of having me around without actually settling down. Once you saw me try to move on, that’s when you came in with more force stating how sorry you were and how willingly you were to change but just like in that song where she says “He’s leaving while calling me a bitch again” is exactly what you did.

You always made me feel ugly, maybe not with your words but with actions, you made me feel ugly. I probably stated this before, but reading back posts about how you made me feel, makes me realize how better off I am without you. I want to see you and tell you how much of a piece of shit you are. I hate you, I thought that I couldn’t hate you because I never loved you enough to do so but I love myself enough to hate you for the ways you made me feel. In no way did I deserve any of that, I want to see you to tell you exactly that but then I question myself. Do I only hate you because I couldn’t have you? Is that the only reason I wanted you? Is the thought of having you strong enough for me to forgive you for all that you have done?

“You put me through so much, things I didn’t deserve and all I did was want to love you. I let you put myself down so much just to have you around and for what? You didn’t deserve me and still don’t. I’m an amazing as person, and I was truly able to find myself one I stopped having you around because you weren’t there to hold me back. Oh and the sex I offer is way better because back then I was only having sex with you and always felt judgement coming from you so I couldn’t feel free but boy let me tell you, I get free. I know you don’t care so there’s no point of continuing this conversation”

I stay thinking about scenarios and conversations in my head. Please tell me I’m not the only one. That quote was something I’d want to say but I know I might not when I actually see him. Lets be honest I might even have sex with him.  Which I might see him this upcoming weekend since me and my friends are going up there for the weekend to celebrate Jasmines 21st birthday. I already have the perfect excuse to see him. I just want to see him face to face to know exactly how I feel. You will finally see me for the real me.

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Drunken mistakes

I know I’ve baffled on and on about how terrible Cristian is to me, how he doesn’t deserve some like me, or how I’m completely done with him. I’ve been giving this some thought and I want to fight for us one more time, I wan’t to tell him exactly how I feel. I’m so tired of all these games, tired of only hinting how I feel instead of being direct. I’m going to give it my all and at least I know I did my part, I know I tried. The only thing I’m scared of is that he fully moved on, knowing that I’ve just become a habit to him. I’m a little drunk right now and I shouldn’t really hit send to any message before re-reading it in the morning, believe me, I just messaged Alfredo, yes I know my heart and emotions are all over the place. However, I feel like all these boys have a piece of my heart, I don’t really know how to change that maybe one day I can truly hand my whole heart to only one person.

Anyways this is a note to Cristian, “So I’ve been trying to message you to your phone, and I don’t know if it’s the wrong number or if your completely ignoring me. I’ve been giving this some thought and there’s a couple of things I wanted you to know. For over two years now we played so many games, we were never completely honest with each other, said things because we thought that’s what the other person wanted to hear, purposely did things to harm one another, and for what? That’s something I’m never going to understand. I recently gained a lot of confidence, acknowledged what kind of person I was and what I had to offer, I’m an amazing person, besides the mistakes I’ve done, I have a heart of gold and want someone to share all of this passion with and with all that being said I think I’m ready to truly let someone in and I wanted that person to be you, I’m willing to give it one more try, that’s if you wanted to too. I don’t want a half as answer, I want you to be honest and not worry about how it’s going to make me feel because believe me, I will always be alright. If you completely moved on, don’t think this would work given what we’ve been through or your still in love with Vanessa, then just be upfront about it, that way I can let you or this go for good. I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it and respond but if I don’t hear from you, I’ll understand and even if you wouldn’t want to give this a try I would love to have a conversation with you about everything, just so I won’t have any future questions myself and to help me with whoever walks into my life”.

I’m so scared he’s going to look at that, laugh and not reply, but I swear to myself if he doesn’t this is the last time I ever go back. Writing those things down about myself makes me realize how true they are and if he can’t see that someone else will. I just wanted that person to be him but I’m not quiet sure he’s ready to give everything up for me. He’ll give it up one day to the right girl. I know I’m not her because he would’ve given that up in the beginning but I will always be able to say I tried.

Seth

Before I got on my laptop I had to much to say, so much to write about, but once I got on my mind went blank. However, I can talk about my feelings since I feel like I have no one to go to. So, this past weekend I meet a boy, his name was Seth and he’s from Alabama. Not sure If I mentioned it before but I’m from Oregon. I met Seth because he was in my town for work, and he’d always come into my work to eat. I also haven’t mentioned how I’m a waitress/bartender at a restaurant. He was here for a good couple of weeks, he was cute, sweet, and a shit talker which I somewhat loved about him. Not a shit talker in a bad way but that was his sense of humor and I understood it. I became really good friends with his friend named Ivan Black. Ivan would come in to my work, drink and have full on conversations with me about his problems, when something went on with his day he’d wait to see me because it would be a story I’d love to hear. Ivan talked to me about his wife back home and this new woman that he meet in Hermiston that completely blew his mind.

On Saturday December 10th of 2017, they all decided to go to a bar in town called Midway, their daily routine, Ivan told me to go even if I had no friends to show up with, he said he’d be my friend there. So that night after I got off work I changed and headed there right after, that day I only had yogurt and a small side of grapes in my stomach. I started drinking and Seth kept buying me drinks. He was playing a game that Ivan mentioned to me but I stated how I couldn’t loose if I wasn’t playing the game. Ivan also asked me why I didn’t want him so I mentioned Rosy and his wife. I explained the difference between him and Seth, Ivan would compliment me in my ass, in how hot I was, he called me “mamacita” and Seth? He only called me beautiful, he never disrespected me, was always a gentleman, of course he would cuss at me but that was his way of joking around so I did it back. I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with  him that night but I was so wrong, I took him home and when we parked one thing led to another.

His words made me feel sexy, his mouth was amazing, and he wanted me to stay the night but how could I? My boss owns both the restaurant and the hotel he was staying in. Not mentioning that my boss, is actually my friend. Not only what I was doing was so wrong but I was also breaking the rules, which I felt like I was disrespecting her. How could I do this to her? How could I jeopardize my job for a one night stand? After we were done, he asked me if I wanted his number or snap chat and I quickly said no because I knew he wasn’t interested in me, he was just being kind or trying to spare my feelings. I dropped him off and kissed him goodbye, something I will never do after having sex with someone. I try to take care of myself and my feelings so why would I do that? Who knows. It might not mean anything to you but to me, that means a lot.

I had to work the next day at 8 am and that was my excuse for not staying the night with him. He understood but still asked me to go over until he took no for his answer. The next morning I woke up with a hickey that I hid with cover up and a choker, 4 pm came around and still no sign of  him or his friends (they would come in everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day). I was heartbroken and ashamed. I felt like his friends viewed me as a slut that slept with anyone that came in her path, and Ivan, I was scared that I ruined my relationship with him. That Sunday night I went back to midway where I saw Ivan and this other guy, I cant remember his name but he always called me his girlfriend. I got to talking with Ivan and he started mentioning how I fucked up Seth, he told me how Seth walked in to the hotel with no shirt on and 20 hickies on his neck, he mentioned how Seth had a girl back home, no shock there, all men are the same. He mentioned things I shouldn’t have heard, things I would’ve been better without hearing, and one of those things went like, “Seth isn’t nice to woman, he’s always a dick to them, but with you, he was always nice and kind, what did you do him?”…

Ivan gave me his number that night so we could all meet up the next day to say goodbye, which that never happened. Honestly, it broke my heart that Seth never tried to reach out to me before he left, he treated me as a one night stand, which I would’ve been okay with if I would’ve seen him the same way but I didn’t. I was fooling myself, he was only here temporary so all of this was just fun for him but for me, my whole life is here so why come into my life. I did this to myself caring for people that I should never care for in the beginning is a style I’ve been adapting to lately. Today is Tuesday the 12th, and he’s on a plane going back home. I might be sad, it might only last for a couple of days but its a couple of days I can’t get back.

Sometimes when you sleep with people, as a woman, you give away a piece of yourself, a piece of your heart. I’m so heartbroken right now, not because of him but because of all the men that walk into my life and walk right out. They come for one reason and I don’t love myself enough to say no to that situation. I want something real, I feel so alone and I know finding someone to fill in that emptiness isn’t right, I need to learn how to feel complete all on my own but I just don’t know how.

Miscarriage

What kind of person have I become? I tell myself it’s because I’m single, I tell myself it’s because of how young I am, but then I stop and think, am I taking this to far? Should I slow down and watch who I’m messing with, is all of this worth for just sex? Since Sunday morning I have had this thought in the back of my head that I’m currently going through a miscarriage, please let me be wrong. I have been in bed, by myself, crying my eyes out for days. Not knowing who to go to, not knowing if this is real or not. I talked to my co-worker named Ashley, who is currently about to graduate with her associates in nursing, about my symptoms. She is one of my closest friends as well so I want to say she told me what she thought I would want to hear. She claimed that I was going through a terrible period cycle because I’m having “a lot” of sex, note this, I have sex maybe once a week and have had sex constantly years back and have never gone through this, but she also said I could be right. It all started on Saturday night, I was leaving my friends house when I put on a tampon, believing I had started my cycle. I put on a super and as a woman you know how long that will last, the bar was no more than 10 minutes away from her house and after I had gone inside I felt strange, I felt it runny so I rushed to the bathroom, when I realized it was completely soaked, I couldn’t just leave so I shoved a whole bunch of toilet paper and decided to stay for a while longer. DJ was there, and if you read my last post you know exactly what happened that night. In the back of my head I couldn’t stop thinking about the bleeding and excessively kept rushing to the bathroom. After I had enough, I decided to go home, I felt disgusted, and got home and showered to clean up. I decided to put a fresh new tampon, and every girl is different but I usually go to sleep without anything on because of the fact that I don’t bleed when I sleep but this night I decided to because what was going on with my body. Sunday morning when I woke up, I woke up to my bed full of blood, so i rushed to the bathroom, and once I sat on the toilet, my tampon just dropped with a whole bunch of blood and clogs, that’s when I got scared, I took a whole  bunch of pain medication, and decided to ignore it and went on with my day and headed to work. I tried everything to be okay, but once I talked to Jasmine I started bawling and I am not a crier. I just want to know whats going on with my body, I want to know if I did loose a fetus or if this is just a cycle I haven’t experienced yet. Going to the doctor is my best choice right now but I’m scared, I’m scared to be right, and how will I go on with my days like nothing is wrong? I know I will always remember these last couple of days but It will always be something I was unsure about, and DJ? He has no idea and probably never will, he messaged me yesterday, probably to go over to his house and have sex but after all of this I don’t know if I want to hear from him again, I can’t talk to him about it because of the fact that I know he won’t care, to him this is not his problem and he might even be happy that it happened. I knew who I was getting myself into but I thought it was all fun and games until feelings got involved and I’m the one who ends up hurt but I have no one to blame but myself. Watch me blossom, I will grow, I will get stronger, I will learn from my mistakes. This, what I’m feeling right now doesn’t define me, this is just temporary.

To my followers

I’m sorry that I talk about my messy life, while being on drugs or alcohol, while sleeping around with different men, trying to find myself while not becoming depressed. I’m still trying to get it together and I hope that time comes soon. I know you will  judge me if you haven’t done a lot, I’m young and I’m learning and you won’t understand unless you’ve experienced something called life. My name? I’m not ready to mention that just yet.

11.25.17

So let me be honest right now, I just got home from the bar and i’m a little drunk but I have some things that  I need to get off my chest but I have no one to talk to, I called my best friend but she didn’t answer, either way it doesn’t make a difference because she’s usually in boot camp and I can hardly talk to her. Yes  boot camp, shes 19, her name is Samantha and shes in oycp, she might be sleeping right now but I’m used to this, being alone that is. I’m not the prettiest flower in the garden but I have so much to offer, and I have such a beautiful heart, but my heart gets played with left and right. At the same time, I have a part to do with it and ill explain why.

So tonight I went to  the bar to purposely see a man, not because he invited me but because he posted on social media that he was there. This man will have sex with anything that walks and I don’t say this because I’m talking out of my ass but I have proven it myself, maybe I’ll explain why another day. So once I got there he was just surrounded with his friends which was totally fine, I minded my business and pretended like I didn’t see him and didn’t care and then his friends started turning around what made it seem like they were turning around to look at me, how dare they. I know we occasionally have sex but why are your friends turning around to look at me? It made me feel like he made it seem like “wow that bitch just showed up” or “wow she only came because I’m here”, However it made me feel stupid and that is one of my biggest pet peeves especially coming from a guy.

After a while me and my friend Gabby were sitting with some guys that were buying us drinks (totally sweet) and he passes by me, grabs my arm, and says excuse me. which I didn’t hear because I kept my back towards him. I found out because Gabby was besides me and told me since she heard. He walked right past us and walked over to a girl who he ended up going home with. I’m over here drinking my heart away, scared to be pregnant, scared to have an std from you, and you just pick up girls with no worries. I know I pretend like you don’t exist but why do you follow, why cant you simple say hi? When you do acknowledge my existence, you pretend to be just friends with me which makes me wonder how many other girls you’re doing the same thing with. I understand if its just a one night stand, big deal, but I see you once or twice a week, I have been hidden before by a man who talks to multiple girls but I won’t ever do that to myself again.

I say I don’t care, I say I don’t have any feelings towards you, I ignore you, I won’t reply to you but why am I feeling like this? Why am I so hurt you left with another girl? I knew you were like this from the start, I guess I am just like every other woman who believes they can change a man.”A man will never change, he didn’t in the beginning so what makes you think he will now. You deserve better than this, and one day someone will show you what true love feels like, they will show you happiness you have never felt before, you just need to open your heart, stop protecting it because your afraid to get hurt, and realize that these men make you believe you want a certain thing when in reality you want something completely different, you want something real. Stop lying to yourself.” (note to self)

 

mother

I hate seeing post where they say, I feel bad for those that don’t have a good relationship with their mothers/family/ sisters, like we feel sorry for ourselves, and that apology doesn’t sound sincere. We’re the ones that feel the pain and sometimes there’s not much that we can do about it, I just don’t ever want to do what my mother is doing to me. My mother is really manipulative, we don’t seem to get along what so ever and you don’t know how badly that hurts. I’ve cried many times because of her, that now I’m not quite sure if I want a relationship with  her. I understand what I’m about to say might sound terrible but I feel like I only have her in my life in the moment because I’m struggling financially. With getting garnished, saving for a car, for an apartment, I need help, just to keep a roof over mine and my sons head so I stay with her and my father. Once I get on my own to feet, I want to say goodbye. I’m not sure if It will be for ever but for a good while I am for sure. I still want every one else in my life, including my father but my mother, she’s to much. She gave me all my insecurity problems I’m going through, will call me a stupid ass if I forget to pick up milk, shes cruel and mean, brings me down and brings nothing but a negative energy. I’ve had enough and I don’t want my son around that. One day I remember telling her that If I ever stop talking to her completely that she better not even ask why and she needs to understand that I meant that.  There’s so much to say about my mother and throughout my blogs you will see her through my eyes.