This is my last post for tonight and then off to bed. So as I talked to Cristian and how I gave him a second chance, well I regret giving him the second chance. Everything was going good. I was about to write perfectly but I stopped myself because It wasn’t, it never came close to that. One time he stopped replying to me once to go see a basketball game with some girls, posting pictures like he didn’t care who saw, nothing caring that I would see and the reaction I’d give. I feel like I’m my biggest challenge because I’m always lying to myself, I say I don’t care about him and what he does when I really do but this is were I come out and be honest about everything he does to me, from here on out. Maybe writing and talking about it will help me realize how badly he treats me. Well one night Cristian asked me to send him a booty picture, I immediately chose not to and he called me “basic” and sent me laughing faces. Reading that obviously made me get mad and I told him off, I told him if he wanted a hoe to go look for one and surely enough he stopped replying and deleted me off snap chat. A week passed by and I wanted to know how he was doing, what he was up to so I asked my best friend Samantha to add him on snap chat and which he then messaged her, at first he thought she was messaging him back for me so he called both of us out on it but we made him believe otherwise. He started telling her that he was catching mad feelings for me but things got dumb real quick so I decided to send him a message apologizing because I cared. He apologized also and we started talking like a couple saying if there’s no trust there’s no us but at the same time we kept the whole Samantha thing going on.How dare he talk to the both of us like nothing, and in his part why wouldn’t he mention that my best friend was doing that to me? You always said how much you cared and your actions always tell me otherwise. The next day he started being so rude saying that I had to deserve for him to let me in and I had to work for it. Who does that? does he think I was going to chase him like a lost puppy? no. so we said our goodbyes and that was the end of that. Now it all make sense because Samantha came over to my house to have a conversation about how her and Cristian were talking, how they sexted, and how they were going to meet up to talk. All these different emotions started rising up, I was so angry and had to pretend like I didn’t care because I knew she was going to run off and tell Cristian and I couldn’t let him know how hurt I was because of him.
I feel like different people know different personalities but no one knows the real me. Like everyone has seen or heard what I’ve gone through but no one has felt what I felt. Someday’s I had to convince myself to live, to keep on going and sure enough I would see my son and I would have to keep on fighting for him. Just mentioning that reminds me how for a period of time, it was going around that I was this crazy baby momma, so what if I was or wasn’t? Please tell me how that affected your life personally and maybe you should stop and think about what my baby daddy had to do to me so I could react the way I did. It breaks my heart to know what Marcos did to me, to this day I am still surprised to see everything with no remorse or regret. I don’t hate him, I believe you can’t hate someone you don’t care about but he promised he’d never cheat or want to be with anyone besides myself and I truly believed it, it doesn’t matter what he put me through I thank him for making me a better version pf myself, it doesn’t matter if I still lay in bed and cry my eyes out because at the end of the day he might be happy but I’m the one who’s doing better. If I wanted to, I could have someone next to my side, and lets see how he’d feel about that; However I choose not to. I’m bettering myself everyday, I’m pushing myself in every way possible. I will be someone in life, not for myself but for my son because he deserves the world. I just wish his dad would view things the way I did. It’s not that I don’t want him in my sons life I just don’t want him in and out, if hes not going to be there full time then just don’t be there at all.
I think Im the worst person to give advice, I mean what I say is good but I don’t take that advice myself. Right now I am talking to a friend and he’s thinking about getting in a car crash on purpose. He’s heart broken and I want to say he came to me about it because I went through the same thing, but hearing it from him makes it sound so silly but it makes me so scared because all those emotions are so real, and I wouldn’t want him to do something! That would make me feel so guilty, just knowing that he came to me for help and I didn’t do anything to help him. Thinking back to when I thought like that I would be so distracted, when I was alone, when I would drive around I wanted to get in a car crash just to see if Marcos would visit me in the hospital. How crazy does that sound? I know, I just wanted him back and was willing to do anything for him, I don’t know why my mind went to a car crash but it did, maybe to see if he cared or if it was all truly gone. I understand what he is going through and it’s honestly not worth it.
I might still be depressed but its not as bad as when I wanted to kill myself. He asks God why him, and I did the same. I never really knew If I believed but one day me and Marcos were suppose to hangout during my lunch break, and he didn’t answer my calls or texts and I sat in my jeep and cried my eyes out for a good couple of hours. I asked God to give me a sign to help me move on and the next day I found him with Elissa in our apartment. Its true when they say God has plans for you and maybe Marcos was meant to be in my life but not to stay. We might not be together but we will still be spending the rest of our lives together. I’m not saying my friend wasn’t hurt but he was only with guy for two months, I don’t think anybody really knows what I went through. I was even scared of myself and what I was capable of doing to myself. Everything you go through right now may seem like it’s the end of the world but I can assure you it’s not, your just need to keep pushing, keep getting up and fighting these chapters of your life. One day you will realize how strong you have become and realize how temporary that pain was.