“one of the best things going for you”

hhahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaah bitch really said he was one of the best things going for me? How dare you!  Boy I will show you exactly what I’m capable of. First of all who the fuck do you think you are, second of all who the fuck do you think you are hahahahah I’m dead. He didn’t deserve a reply but this is just a simple glimpse of the ways he talks to me when we fight. He’s toxic, he attacks when he’s mad not knowing that in the long run he’s only hurting himself. I used to be like that with my son’s father and to this day I regret it. No human deserves to be mistreated with words especially the one who claims to love you. Oh that meme, he sent it because he believes I talk to a lot of guys which I do but when were off. Were off and on, but on nothing is you can relate? I lost something so beautiful because of how lost I was trying to find you. Forever one of my biggest regrets

One phone call

Let’s see if you can tell how crazy I am about this boy. I’m terrible, I admit, I have Alfredo by my side but there’s something about Cristian I can’t seem to let go of. I can’t exactly remember what me and Cristian got into a fight about before I left to California but the whole point was that I was suppose to stay, stay with him and spend a couple of days together. I was enchanted with the idea. I get him to myself! However that never happened, so obviously my first thought was to leave town, get distracted and try not to think about that boy. Cali was perfect, I felt the warmth and love from my family that I haven’t felt in years. During that time Alfredo and I hardly talked and I had no problem with that, maybe I didn’t care about him enough or I trusted him completely not to care. So when I got back home all it took was a phone call from Cristian and I was back on the road, making a 3 hour drive to go visit him. No questions, no arguments, I said okay. The next morning we went to go visit a mansion called the Pittock mansion. We were looking at a beautiful view of portland that the mansion offers, we went to breakfast at the screen door. Locking eyes after we were done eating, we discussed how I wasn’t the girl for him, how he’d never change his ways until he found the right one and I explained how I understood that. How dangerous is that boy? Without moving his eyes away, he told me he wanted me to be that girl, he wanted me to be the one.

could’ve been

They say your suppose to love your significant other the same way you love yourself. I know you truly don’t love anyone currently in your life because if you did, you wouldn’t do the things you’ve done. Are you scared to be alone? Are you scared of commitment? Let me into your head so I can at least know my place. I wished it with all my heart that I would’ve been the girl for you, I wished you’d want me the way I wanted you. No matter how hard I tried it seemed like I just kept pushing you away, the harder I tried the less you wanted me. I couldn’t face reality.

I knew you never liked me but I always held on to the hope that you did. I ask myself why I never loved myself enough to let go you. Knowingly knowing the answer already. I loved you for what I thought you could have been, for how amazing we could’ve been together. Just let me in your mind so I can know if I should stay or walk away. Let me in your mind so I can ease my own. Just let me read you baby, and If I see you need someone to show some sun in this thunder we call life, I would help you in anyway possible. I want to be your rose in a garden full of sunflowers. I just need you to need me and I’m all yours.

Thank you

Should I thank him? We’ve been separated for over a year now but taking this trip to Cali got me thinking about him a a lot. It’s not that I constantly miss him, it’s more like sometimes I wish we were still together. I feel like telling him “Thank you for taking care of my life like if it was your own, when I was almost dying” “Thank you for watching over me every single time I was sick” “Thank you for trying to give me everything I desired, even if it meant that we had to struggle” “Thank you for trying to be the man I wanted you to be” “Thank you for being an amazing father to our son” “Thank you for loving me” “Thank you for all those years you never gave up on me” ‘Thank you for being you”

Sometimes I just to let him know I was thinking about him, tell him how sorry I am, tell him to drop her and let us try to work out one more time. I want to tell him how sorry I am for everything I’ve done, for all the fights I started, for all those hurtful words I once said. How can I? He’s starting a new family with someone he says “I love you” to when he wakes up and before he goes to sleep. Sometimes I’t still amazes me thinking back to everything we’ve gone through. Who would’ve thought we would end up like this and have me feeling the way I do.

She shouldn’t have been

She should’ve been the girl you take home only for one night but you made her into a wife. When I found out she was going to have your next child, I cried, not knowing why. I know I moved on myself but just the thought of him starting his life all over again, got to me. All those promises that came out of your mouth, I believed.  Maybe I haven’t moved on, why am I holding on to him? Why do I feel this way? I can’t help myself.

Daniel

His name was Daniel, well I hope it is, I met him that night, But let me tell you this, he is really attractive and he was actually good in bed. That night I had a friend named Clarissa come over with two guys, I’ve never met in my life, we all had a couple drinks. Clarissa and that other guy left and I can’t really remember his name but they left to go pick up some food because she wouldn’t stop winning about how hungry she was. Well that left me and Daniel alone in my house and he wouldn’t stop mentioning how pretty I was and of course that was just to get into my pants, I realize that now. He accomplished what he was seeking. The next morning I woke up in regret and I made a 45 minute drive just to go get checked up and to get the Plan B pill, we didn’t use protection, how dumb am I. The good thing is that they gave me an extra one, just in case. Not saying I’m going to be using it anytime soon but its good to have. Also Cristian, that bitch ass Cristian, messaged me last night, I know I shouldn’t of replied because of the things he was telling me the last time we talked but I’m glad I did. He started telling me that he was really sorry for being a jerk towards me, that he missed me, and I was the only thing he would think about. I shouldn’t have believe it but now that were talking again, he’s been acting different ever since. Before I would basically beg him to talk to me but now its the other way around. It actually makes me smile when I think about it. I’m just scared to get my hopes up again especially when it comes to that boy.

June 13,2015

June 13th was the official day me and my son father broke up, a day before our anniversary, wow ironic. That same night he was with her, so It makes me think if they have been talking this whole time. I don’t understand how he did it, we were together 24/7, did he just not go to work to go with her? Did he tell me he was staying late and he would go see her? I give him props I believed he was the most faithful and loving boyfriend, who only had eyes for me, he had me fooled. I talked about him to my friends, I would say how lucky I was and how unreal his loyalty felt, it was always to good to be true. I was right, about how unreal It truly was