Cristian notes

I’m in love with Cristian and that has never felt so weird to say. We’re nothing. Never were, never will be however; what hurts more is that to him I’m just another girl he can have sex with, nothing more. With Cristian it’s sweet, I love the vibe we have when we’re together, it’s hard for me to get him to open up but the more I see him, the more he does, the only problem was all the issues we had in the past, it affects us now, he might not see it but I do, now we can’t even talk for two days without fighting. So now I just go see him in person but in between the time, we don’t talk and I might say it’s fine but to me that’s not okay, it’s hard not talking to someone you care for, I know and feel like we can have something special but he doesn’t want anything serious and that’s okay because you can’t force that and even if I tried I wouldn’t get anywhere, I’d just end up losing him. I always tell him how I know he has different girls coming in and out of his house but he doesn’t believe me, he thinks that what I want to believe but it’s what I know, I just think it’s because I feel like other girls see in him what I see in him. Good or bad, it’s him. Sometimes I’d like to know what he thinks about me, but I’m to afraid to know the truth, even though I know he’d sugar coat every damn line. I don’t know, knowing that In the end I’m the one who’s going to end up hurt, I’m the one who’s getting played, I’m the one who looks like a fool, I still stick around and I know I still am even though I always say I’m done. I guess it’s just hard to say goodbye to someone you don’t want to say goodbye to.. and Alfredo, I care for Alfredo but only because of the way he treats me, he’s the type of guy that would put me first, he’d treat me like his queen but that’s not enough, I have to try so hard with him, just to talk and see him, I even try to force myself just to like him and that’s not okay. Like just by reading this paragraph you may be able to tell, that’s all I got to say, I don’t really know the guy, but same with him I can’t say goodbye because I’m scared to loose him, he’s so different from everyone else, everyone out here wants to play games or act cold hearted, he’s ready to settle down with one person, he wants to be there not only for me but for my son as well and not many people are willing to step up to that plate, knowing that I’m just scared I won’t find someone the same. I need to find someone I like as much as I like Cristian, that will treat me how Alfredo does but what if he isn’t out there? Hermiston is small and I doubt there’s unique guys out there, I’m not saying I’m going to say goodbye to both of them, I don’t think I can, I’m just going to take it day by day until one day I can’t just stop and let go, slowly but surely