mother

I hate seeing post where they say, I feel bad for those that don’t have a good relationship with their mothers/family/ sisters, like we feel sorry for ourselves, and that apology doesn’t sound sincere. We’re the ones that feel the pain and sometimes there’s not much that we can do about it, I just don’t ever want to do what my mother is doing to me. My mother is really manipulative, we don’t seem to get along what so ever and you don’t know how badly that hurts. I’ve cried many times because of her, that now I’m not quite sure if I want a relationship with  her. I understand what I’m about to say might sound terrible but I feel like I only have her in my life in the moment because I’m struggling financially. With getting garnished, saving for a car, for an apartment, I need help, just to keep a roof over mine and my sons head so I stay with her and my father. Once I get on my own to feet, I want to say goodbye. I’m not sure if It will be for ever but for a good while I am for sure. I still want every one else in my life, including my father but my mother, she’s to much. She gave me all my insecurity problems I’m going through, will call me a stupid ass if I forget to pick up milk, shes cruel and mean, brings me down and brings nothing but a negative energy. I’ve had enough and I don’t want my son around that. One day I remember telling her that If I ever stop talking to her completely that she better not even ask why and she needs to understand that I meant that.  There’s so much to say about my mother and throughout my blogs you will see her through my eyes.

The hope that never seemed to fade away

You made me feel worse about myself, you made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of someone showing me off, you made me feel like I wasn’t capable to have someone by my side, you made me feel like I would’ve been the worse half in a relationship, and I stucked around to let you make me worthless. People like you never change, it’s turned into a habit that you won’t ever get out of. People like me, hope to change you, hope that you don’t talk to other girls how you would talk to them, hope to be the only one they worry about, hope to end up with you. I don’t understand why, when half of the time they make you feel like you guys were never nothing serious or when you couldn’t say anything because you didn’t have a title with them. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, I cared so much about you, actually a person I thought you were, the person  I wish you were. Day by day you killed my hope, not caring how you damaged me. Did you ever care? Was this ever real to you? Because It was so real to me, I loved you and you mentioned it once to, in a phrase but once I asked you to repeat it, you never would. Why would you take advantage of my loyalty? Why would you laugh at my face because I stuck around? Who do you think you are to be able to treat someone like that? I know I am no angel, I know parts of me fucked up but I tried to hurt you, so maybe you could understand how badly you hurt me. It still hurts and I still love you, and my friend one day mentioned how I try to find you in other men. Why? Why were you so special to me? You have never gave me a reason to care for you, the way I do now

fine without me

I don’t want to watch you go everyday doing perfectly fine without me, I don’t want to try to prove that I’m happy without you when I’m really not. I want to show you how much I love and care for you, I want to get to know you in every way, actually spend time with you. Make you understand what your doing is wrong, make you understand that you’ll always have my support. I stuck by your side when others would’ve left. You did me wrong in so many ways but I still just saw the best in you. I saw your flaws but I didn’t want to care. It hurt, but I once thought my pain was worth it if it meant I got to keep you around. But is that okay? No! I need someone that shows me that they need me, someone that I don’t need to ask to prove to me that they actually want to have me around. I do not define myself as a sex toy so stop defining me as one. I wanted you to love me because you meet the kind of person I was and you knew that was someone you couldn’t live without.