What kind of person have I become? I tell myself it’s because I’m single, I tell myself it’s because of how young I am, but then I stop and think, am I taking this to far? Should I slow down and watch who I’m messing with, is all of this worth for just sex? Since Sunday morning I have had this thought in the back of my head that I’m currently going through a miscarriage, please let me be wrong. I have been in bed, by myself, crying my eyes out for days. Not knowing who to go to, not knowing if this is real or not. I talked to my co-worker named Ashley, who is currently about to graduate with her associates in nursing, about my symptoms. She is one of my closest friends as well so I want to say she told me what she thought I would want to hear. She claimed that I was going through a terrible period cycle because I’m having “a lot” of sex, note this, I have sex maybe once a week and have had sex constantly years back and have never gone through this, but she also said I could be right. It all started on Saturday night, I was leaving my friends house when I put on a tampon, believing I had started my cycle. I put on a super and as a woman you know how long that will last, the bar was no more than 10 minutes away from her house and after I had gone inside I felt strange, I felt it runny so I rushed to the bathroom, when I realized it was completely soaked, I couldn’t just leave so I shoved a whole bunch of toilet paper and decided to stay for a while longer. DJ was there, and if you read my last post you know exactly what happened that night. In the back of my head I couldn’t stop thinking about the bleeding and excessively kept rushing to the bathroom. After I had enough, I decided to go home, I felt disgusted, and got home and showered to clean up. I decided to put a fresh new tampon, and every girl is different but I usually go to sleep without anything on because of the fact that I don’t bleed when I sleep but this night I decided to because what was going on with my body. Sunday morning when I woke up, I woke up to my bed full of blood, so i rushed to the bathroom, and once I sat on the toilet, my tampon just dropped with a whole bunch of blood and clogs, that’s when I got scared, I took a whole bunch of pain medication, and decided to ignore it and went on with my day and headed to work. I tried everything to be okay, but once I talked to Jasmine I started bawling and I am not a crier. I just want to know whats going on with my body, I want to know if I did loose a fetus or if this is just a cycle I haven’t experienced yet. Going to the doctor is my best choice right now but I’m scared, I’m scared to be right, and how will I go on with my days like nothing is wrong? I know I will always remember these last couple of days but It will always be something I was unsure about, and DJ? He has no idea and probably never will, he messaged me yesterday, probably to go over to his house and have sex but after all of this I don’t know if I want to hear from him again, I can’t talk to him about it because of the fact that I know he won’t care, to him this is not his problem and he might even be happy that it happened. I knew who I was getting myself into but I thought it was all fun and games until feelings got involved and I’m the one who ends up hurt but I have no one to blame but myself. Watch me blossom, I will grow, I will get stronger, I will learn from my mistakes. This, what I’m feeling right now doesn’t define me, this is just temporary.
I’m sorry that I talk about my messy life, while being on drugs or alcohol, while sleeping around with different men, trying to find myself while not becoming depressed. I’m still trying to get it together and I hope that time comes soon. I know you will judge me if you haven’t done a lot, I’m young and I’m learning and you won’t understand unless you’ve experienced something called life. My name? I’m not ready to mention that just yet.
So let me be honest right now, I just got home from the bar and i’m a little drunk but I have some things that I need to get off my chest but I have no one to talk to, I called my best friend but she didn’t answer, either way it doesn’t make a difference because she’s usually in boot camp and I can hardly talk to her. Yes boot camp, shes 19, her name is Samantha and shes in oycp, she might be sleeping right now but I’m used to this, being alone that is. I’m not the prettiest flower in the garden but I have so much to offer, and I have such a beautiful heart, but my heart gets played with left and right. At the same time, I have a part to do with it and ill explain why.
So tonight I went to the bar to purposely see a man, not because he invited me but because he posted on social media that he was there. This man will have sex with anything that walks and I don’t say this because I’m talking out of my ass but I have proven it myself, maybe I’ll explain why another day. So once I got there he was just surrounded with his friends which was totally fine, I minded my business and pretended like I didn’t see him and didn’t care and then his friends started turning around what made it seem like they were turning around to look at me, how dare they. I know we occasionally have sex but why are your friends turning around to look at me? It made me feel like he made it seem like “wow that bitch just showed up” or “wow she only came because I’m here”, However it made me feel stupid and that is one of my biggest pet peeves especially coming from a guy.
After a while me and my friend Gabby were sitting with some guys that were buying us drinks (totally sweet) and he passes by me, grabs my arm, and says excuse me. which I didn’t hear because I kept my back towards him. I found out because Gabby was besides me and told me since she heard. He walked right past us and walked over to a girl who he ended up going home with. I’m over here drinking my heart away, scared to be pregnant, scared to have an std from you, and you just pick up girls with no worries. I know I pretend like you don’t exist but why do you follow, why cant you simple say hi? When you do acknowledge my existence, you pretend to be just friends with me which makes me wonder how many other girls you’re doing the same thing with. I understand if its just a one night stand, big deal, but I see you once or twice a week, I have been hidden before by a man who talks to multiple girls but I won’t ever do that to myself again.
I say I don’t care, I say I don’t have any feelings towards you, I ignore you, I won’t reply to you but why am I feeling like this? Why am I so hurt you left with another girl? I knew you were like this from the start, I guess I am just like every other woman who believes they can change a man.”A man will never change, he didn’t in the beginning so what makes you think he will now. You deserve better than this, and one day someone will show you what true love feels like, they will show you happiness you have never felt before, you just need to open your heart, stop protecting it because your afraid to get hurt, and realize that these men make you believe you want a certain thing when in reality you want something completely different, you want something real. Stop lying to yourself.” (note to self)