Drunken mistakes

I know I’ve baffled on and on about how terrible Cristian is to me, how he doesn’t deserve some like me, or how I’m completely done with him. I’ve been giving this some thought and I want to fight for us one more time, I wan’t to tell him exactly how I feel. I’m so tired of all these games, tired of only hinting how I feel instead of being direct. I’m going to give it my all and at least I know I did my part, I know I tried. The only thing I’m scared of is that he fully moved on, knowing that I’ve just become a habit to him. I’m a little drunk right now and I shouldn’t really hit send to any message before re-reading it in the morning, believe me, I just messaged Alfredo, yes I know my heart and emotions are all over the place. However, I feel like all these boys have a piece of my heart, I don’t really know how to change that maybe one day I can truly hand my whole heart to only one person.

Anyways this is a note to Cristian, “So I’ve been trying to message you to your phone, and I don’t know if it’s the wrong number or if your completely ignoring me. I’ve been giving this some thought and there’s a couple of things I wanted you to know. For over two years now we played so many games, we were never completely honest with each other, said things because we thought that’s what the other person wanted to hear, purposely did things to harm one another, and for what? That’s something I’m never going to understand. I recently gained a lot of confidence, acknowledged what kind of person I was and what I had to offer, I’m an amazing person, besides the mistakes I’ve done, I have a heart of gold and want someone to share all of this passion with and with all that being said I think I’m ready to truly let someone in and I wanted that person to be you, I’m willing to give it one more try, that’s if you wanted to too. I don’t want a half as answer, I want you to be honest and not worry about how it’s going to make me feel because believe me, I will always be alright. If you completely moved on, don’t think this would work given what we’ve been through or your still in love with Vanessa, then just be upfront about it, that way I can let you or this go for good. I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it and respond but if I don’t hear from you, I’ll understand and even if you wouldn’t want to give this a try I would love to have a conversation with you about everything, just so I won’t have any future questions myself and to help me with whoever walks into my life”.

I’m so scared he’s going to look at that, laugh and not reply, but I swear to myself if he doesn’t this is the last time I ever go back. Writing those things down about myself makes me realize how true they are and if he can’t see that someone else will. I just wanted that person to be him but I’m not quiet sure he’s ready to give everything up for me. He’ll give it up one day to the right girl. I know I’m not her because he would’ve given that up in the beginning but I will always be able to say I tried.

Seth

Before I got on my laptop I had to much to say, so much to write about, but once I got on my mind went blank. However, I can talk about my feelings since I feel like I have no one to go to. So, this past weekend I meet a boy, his name was Seth and he’s from Alabama. Not sure If I mentioned it before but I’m from Oregon. I met Seth because he was in my town for work, and he’d always come into my work to eat. I also haven’t mentioned how I’m a waitress/bartender at a restaurant. He was here for a good couple of weeks, he was cute, sweet, and a shit talker which I somewhat loved about him. Not a shit talker in a bad way but that was his sense of humor and I understood it. I became really good friends with his friend named Ivan Black. Ivan would come in to my work, drink and have full on conversations with me about his problems, when something went on with his day he’d wait to see me because it would be a story I’d love to hear. Ivan talked to me about his wife back home and this new woman that he meet in Hermiston that completely blew his mind.

On Saturday December 10th of 2017, they all decided to go to a bar in town called Midway, their daily routine, Ivan told me to go even if I had no friends to show up with, he said he’d be my friend there. So that night after I got off work I changed and headed there right after, that day I only had yogurt and a small side of grapes in my stomach. I started drinking and Seth kept buying me drinks. He was playing a game that Ivan mentioned to me but I stated how I couldn’t loose if I wasn’t playing the game. Ivan also asked me why I didn’t want him so I mentioned Rosy and his wife. I explained the difference between him and Seth, Ivan would compliment me in my ass, in how hot I was, he called me “mamacita” and Seth? He only called me beautiful, he never disrespected me, was always a gentleman, of course he would cuss at me but that was his way of joking around so I did it back. I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with  him that night but I was so wrong, I took him home and when we parked one thing led to another.

His words made me feel sexy, his mouth was amazing, and he wanted me to stay the night but how could I? My boss owns both the restaurant and the hotel he was staying in. Not mentioning that my boss, is actually my friend. Not only what I was doing was so wrong but I was also breaking the rules, which I felt like I was disrespecting her. How could I do this to her? How could I jeopardize my job for a one night stand? After we were done, he asked me if I wanted his number or snap chat and I quickly said no because I knew he wasn’t interested in me, he was just being kind or trying to spare my feelings. I dropped him off and kissed him goodbye, something I will never do after having sex with someone. I try to take care of myself and my feelings so why would I do that? Who knows. It might not mean anything to you but to me, that means a lot.

I had to work the next day at 8 am and that was my excuse for not staying the night with him. He understood but still asked me to go over until he took no for his answer. The next morning I woke up with a hickey that I hid with cover up and a choker, 4 pm came around and still no sign of  him or his friends (they would come in everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day). I was heartbroken and ashamed. I felt like his friends viewed me as a slut that slept with anyone that came in her path, and Ivan, I was scared that I ruined my relationship with him. That Sunday night I went back to midway where I saw Ivan and this other guy, I cant remember his name but he always called me his girlfriend. I got to talking with Ivan and he started mentioning how I fucked up Seth, he told me how Seth walked in to the hotel with no shirt on and 20 hickies on his neck, he mentioned how Seth had a girl back home, no shock there, all men are the same. He mentioned things I shouldn’t have heard, things I would’ve been better without hearing, and one of those things went like, “Seth isn’t nice to woman, he’s always a dick to them, but with you, he was always nice and kind, what did you do him?”…

Ivan gave me his number that night so we could all meet up the next day to say goodbye, which that never happened. Honestly, it broke my heart that Seth never tried to reach out to me before he left, he treated me as a one night stand, which I would’ve been okay with if I would’ve seen him the same way but I didn’t. I was fooling myself, he was only here temporary so all of this was just fun for him but for me, my whole life is here so why come into my life. I did this to myself caring for people that I should never care for in the beginning is a style I’ve been adapting to lately. Today is Tuesday the 12th, and he’s on a plane going back home. I might be sad, it might only last for a couple of days but its a couple of days I can’t get back.

Sometimes when you sleep with people, as a woman, you give away a piece of yourself, a piece of your heart. I’m so heartbroken right now, not because of him but because of all the men that walk into my life and walk right out. They come for one reason and I don’t love myself enough to say no to that situation. I want something real, I feel so alone and I know finding someone to fill in that emptiness isn’t right, I need to learn how to feel complete all on my own but I just don’t know how.