Drunken mistakes

I know I’ve baffled on and on about how terrible Cristian is to me, how he doesn’t deserve some like me, or how I’m completely done with him. I’ve been giving this some thought and I want to fight for us one more time, I wan’t to tell him exactly how I feel. I’m so tired of all these games, tired of only hinting how I feel instead of being direct. I’m going to give it my all and at least I know I did my part, I know I tried. The only thing I’m scared of is that he fully moved on, knowing that I’ve just become a habit to him. I’m a little drunk right now and I shouldn’t really hit send to any message before re-reading it in the morning, believe me, I just messaged Alfredo, yes I know my heart and emotions are all over the place. However, I feel like all these boys have a piece of my heart, I don’t really know how to change that maybe one day I can truly hand my whole heart to only one person.

Anyways this is a note to Cristian, “So I’ve been trying to message you to your phone, and I don’t know if it’s the wrong number or if your completely ignoring me. I’ve been giving this some thought and there’s a couple of things I wanted you to know. For over two years now we played so many games, we were never completely honest with each other, said things because we thought that’s what the other person wanted to hear, purposely did things to harm one another, and for what? That’s something I’m never going to understand. I recently gained a lot of confidence, acknowledged what kind of person I was and what I had to offer, I’m an amazing person, besides the mistakes I’ve done, I have a heart of gold and want someone to share all of this passion with and with all that being said I think I’m ready to truly let someone in and I wanted that person to be you, I’m willing to give it one more try, that’s if you wanted to too. I don’t want a half as answer, I want you to be honest and not worry about how it’s going to make me feel because believe me, I will always be alright. If you completely moved on, don’t think this would work given what we’ve been through or your still in love with Vanessa, then just be upfront about it, that way I can let you or this go for good. I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it and respond but if I don’t hear from you, I’ll understand and even if you wouldn’t want to give this a try I would love to have a conversation with you about everything, just so I won’t have any future questions myself and to help me with whoever walks into my life”.

I’m so scared he’s going to look at that, laugh and not reply, but I swear to myself if he doesn’t this is the last time I ever go back. Writing those things down about myself makes me realize how true they are and if he can’t see that someone else will. I just wanted that person to be him but I’m not quiet sure he’s ready to give everything up for me. He’ll give it up one day to the right girl. I know I’m not her because he would’ve given that up in the beginning but I will always be able to say I tried.

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