you will see

You love to point fingers to everyone but yourself. You can know how wrong you are but seem to be able to blame it on someone else. I know, you know, God know’s you ain’t good for me but we kept going back to each other. If it wasn’t me going back to you, it was you going back to me. Some may say it’s for a reason but to me It was just a game since it’s coming from you. If I were the only one you were doing this with, I wouldn’t give up on you but lets state the facts, I’m not the only one. Maybe that’s why I always held on to you because I used to believe I was.

We claimed to have feelings,  claimed to be in this for the long run, to always be there but yet again we never anything. No title, no commitment, no nothing. I think you played this game because it gave you the satisfaction of having me around without actually settling down. Once you saw me try to move on, that’s when you came in with more force stating how sorry you were and how willingly you were to change but just like in that song where she says “He’s leaving while calling me a bitch again” is exactly what you did.

You always made me feel ugly, maybe not with your words but with actions, you made me feel ugly. I probably stated this before, but reading back posts about how you made me feel, makes me realize how better off I am without you. I want to see you and tell you how much of a piece of shit you are. I hate you, I thought that I couldn’t hate you because I never loved you enough to do so but I love myself enough to hate you for the ways you made me feel. In no way did I deserve any of that, I want to see you to tell you exactly that but then I question myself. Do I only hate you because I couldn’t have you? Is that the only reason I wanted you? Is the thought of having you strong enough for me to forgive you for all that you have done?

“You put me through so much, things I didn’t deserve and all I did was want to love you. I let you put myself down so much just to have you around and for what? You didn’t deserve me and still don’t. I’m an amazing as person, and I was truly able to find myself one I stopped having you around because you weren’t there to hold me back. Oh and the sex I offer is way better because back then I was only having sex with you and always felt judgement coming from you so I couldn’t feel free but boy let me tell you, I get free. I know you don’t care so there’s no point of continuing this conversation”

I stay thinking about scenarios and conversations in my head. Please tell me I’m not the only one. That quote was something I’d want to say but I know I might not when I actually see him. Lets be honest I might even have sex with him.  Which I might see him this upcoming weekend since me and my friends are going up there for the weekend to celebrate Jasmines 21st birthday. I already have the perfect excuse to see him. I just want to see him face to face to know exactly how I feel. You will finally see me for the real me.