I don’t know why other break up had a lot to do with myself and it was basically my fault. I treated him bad, I said things I shouldn’t say, things I regret it so much. But I grew up seeing my mom be like that but until this age I realize I don’t want to be that kind of person. She is the type of person to say hurtful things and throw shit in your face when she’s mad and that’s not OK so when you were trying to tell me I wasn’t affectionate enough, I thought there was a better way than the way you did it. You started throwing things in my face like for example how other females or after you and don’t get me wrong I know but you made me want to do the same and that something I’m trying to out grow. Not only to help us but to help myself. 

No one seems to understand how hard it is to open up your heart after it’s been broken they say social media has a lot to do with that but I don’t believe that’s true. I lost a person who I believed was my soulmate and to him I was nothing, he just woke up One day and decided he didn’t love me anymore and that had a lot to do with the person I am today. I don’t believe everyone is the same I just don’t want to go through it again. I guess I’m scared to let someone come close, close enough to break my heart.  I just want to make sure you’re not going to leave even when It gets rough,  I want to know I can count on you even when I can’t count on myself.  i’m not stuck in the past I’m just trying to find different ways to heal but I want you next to me while I go through it 

Yes I know I said I was done with him but the only reason I’m like that is because he doesn’t want to take me serious and I can’t get mad at him for that, it’s like if I think that he’s going to want me more if I act up, I need to stop trying to get his attention in any way, it doesn’t benefit him and it surely doesn’t benefit yourself, realize where you stand and say goodbye if your really not down to take it; or stick around if your okay with it, I know you don’t say goodbye because you don’t want to loose him out of your life, but with you allowing it to happen then you can’t keep ending things and hopeing he’s going to change. So right now, I think I’m just going to have him as a friends with benefits, nothing more and nothing less, but that means you can’t get mad at him for being with other girls, you can’t get mad at him because he doesn’t reply or talk to you constantly, and you can’t get mad if he doesn’t feel the same way.. stay if your okay with that or say goodbye if you can’t bare to stand that… before I used to care so much about  those certain flaws but the more disappointments, the more lies, and the more disrespect he showed towards me, the more he pushed me away. I guess I’m just going to stick around to find out which one comes sooner, to me not caring at all or you pushing me away.. maybe he doesn’t know exactly how I feel, maybe he doesn’t know that I may love him, but how can you tell a man who doesn’t care, how can you tell him when he won’t listen… I feel like if I tell him everything I wrote, he would see me different, he’d refeer to me as “the crazy”, how can you tell a man you love him when you two were never nothing this whole time long 
If you forgive him then you need to forget about what he did, you can’t bring it up when he makes another mistake, you can’t treat him different, you can’t constantly over think it, you need to forget what he did and trust that it won’t happen again, or you need to forgive and leave. Life is option, you get what you make out of it..take control of your own happiness, you can’t let these boys out here damage your feelings, you got other things to worry about. Your bank account, your education and your son. Guys are all around you, when he is ready, it can be Marcos, cristian, Alfredo or maybe a guy you have never met, but when he is ready; he will step up and show it to you, he won’t make you feel how you are feeling right now, you won’t overthink it, you will just know how right he feels, why stress over a guy who purposely causes that stress, baby girl get your mind straight, focus on what is important in life. Cristian’s lil dick isn’t going to get you far, focus on yourself! 

It’s been 18 months since we separated and I can’t get you out of my mind, I still miss you, our memories still come up to my mind, how am I suppose to forget you and move on when I still see you all the time, the pain Is not the same but it’s constantly there. My heart aches, and my eyes water when I think about you. Tears are running down my face while I write about you, I can’t help it and I don’t think anyone would understand. You were once my happiness, you were my better half, and if you were to walk in the door at this very moment I would forget everything you’ve done, forget all the pain, forget all those words, because I know in a heart beat you would become my happiness once again. 

But I understand someone new has your heart, your heart is full when mine just has loss and pain. I understood that I got boring and my appearance changed, but I never once thought you’d break all those promises. You once said you would never love anyone how you loved me but yet again you learned to love someone even more than me. You put a ring on her finger and you never did to me, you always told me you were saving to get me the ring I deserved but materialistic never mattered, you were the one I wanted in any way or form, I accepted you for who you were but you never could accept me. 

Moana preview

I always believe that I should listen to what my brain tells me rather than what my heart wants but yesterday I went to go see moana and before the movie started, a preview came up and that preview was a cartoon, and basically that cartoon taught me that I should go after what my heart wants because in the end of the day my mind might make the best decisions for me but my heart leads me to my happiness it gives me what I truly want and desire, I just hate making bad decisions for temporary happiness

Cristian questions

It’s hard not to miss someone when you talked to them everyday for 6 months, but yet in my heart I knew I didn’t want him, I wanted someone else. I tried to move on to something better yet again I failed. Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? They say beauty is with in us but everybody is searching for it elsewhere. You touched my brain before you touched my body and that’s something I’ll never forget. You said you we’re different and I easily believed you. I gave you my trust when I haven’t trusted anyone in so long. I regret that too. What went wrong? Was I not what you thought I was, why’d you keep putting it on for so long? Maybe I couldn’t give you me, because I was craving for him to want me. I was doing everything I could to keep him, while I was loosing myself, maybe I should’ve done everything to be around you instead. Not knowing the answer, I still blame myself for the things that go wrong.

Cristian notes

I’m in love with Cristian and that has never felt so weird to say. We’re nothing. Never were, never will be however; what hurts more is that to him I’m just another girl he can have sex with, nothing more. With Cristian it’s sweet, I love the vibe we have when we’re together, it’s hard for me to get him to open up but the more I see him, the more he does, the only problem was all the issues we had in the past, it affects us now, he might not see it but I do, now we can’t even talk for two days without fighting. So now I just go see him in person but in between the time, we don’t talk and I might say it’s fine but to me that’s not okay, it’s hard not talking to someone you care for, I know and feel like we can have something special but he doesn’t want anything serious and that’s okay because you can’t force that and even if I tried I wouldn’t get anywhere, I’d just end up losing him. I always tell him how I know he has different girls coming in and out of his house but he doesn’t believe me, he thinks that what I want to believe but it’s what I know, I just think it’s because I feel like other girls see in him what I see in him. Good or bad, it’s him. Sometimes I’d like to know what he thinks about me, but I’m to afraid to know the truth, even though I know he’d sugar coat every damn line. I don’t know, knowing that In the end I’m the one who’s going to end up hurt, I’m the one who’s getting played, I’m the one who looks like a fool, I still stick around and I know I still am even though I always say I’m done. I guess it’s just hard to say goodbye to someone you don’t want to say goodbye to.. and Alfredo, I care for Alfredo but only because of the way he treats me, he’s the type of guy that would put me first, he’d treat me like his queen but that’s not enough, I have to try so hard with him, just to talk and see him, I even try to force myself just to like him and that’s not okay. Like just by reading this paragraph you may be able to tell, that’s all I got to say, I don’t really know the guy, but same with him I can’t say goodbye because I’m scared to loose him, he’s so different from everyone else, everyone out here wants to play games or act cold hearted, he’s ready to settle down with one person, he wants to be there not only for me but for my son as well and not many people are willing to step up to that plate, knowing that I’m just scared I won’t find someone the same. I need to find someone I like as much as I like Cristian, that will treat me how Alfredo does but what if he isn’t out there? Hermiston is small and I doubt there’s unique guys out there, I’m not saying I’m going to say goodbye to both of them, I don’t think I can, I’m just going to take it day by day until one day I can’t just stop and let go, slowly but surely

I wanted to be your only mom

It’s kinda hard to get along with someone when I hear my son call you “mom”. I feel like I’ve told this story in a different post but however my sons father cheated on me with a girl and has been with her ever since. They currently started a family of their own and now he just has visitation rights. He gets Zay every other weekend and every other Monday for a couple of hours. Me and that girl can’t seem to get along for whatever reason but to make it harder on me. The other day Marcos and I met outside of Harvest Foods to exchange Zay and that’s when I stood Zay down and he ran to her yelling ‘mommy”. That’s the moment my child unwillingly broke my heart. How did we get here? I thought we were in love, I thought we were going to make it past through this rough patch we were going through but now our child is calling some other girl mom. I’m thankful that she’s there for him when I am not but all of this could’ve been prevented. I want to be in his life 100 percent of the time not only a 70 percent and now I have to make plans of going away for school just to offer him a better future because I know I can’t do this on my own. You don’t help in anyway. I didn’t make him on my own and I’m stuck here alone afraid for our future.

“one of the best things going for you”

hhahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaah bitch really said he was one of the best things going for me? How dare you!  Boy I will show you exactly what I’m capable of. First of all who the fuck do you think you are, second of all who the fuck do you think you are hahahahah I’m dead. He didn’t deserve a reply but this is just a simple glimpse of the ways he talks to me when we fight. He’s toxic, he attacks when he’s mad not knowing that in the long run he’s only hurting himself. I used to be like that with my son’s father and to this day I regret it. No human deserves to be mistreated with words especially the one who claims to love you. Oh that meme, he sent it because he believes I talk to a lot of guys which I do but when were off. Were off and on, but on nothing is you can relate? I lost something so beautiful because of how lost I was trying to find you. Forever one of my biggest regrets