Miscarriage

What kind of person have I become? I tell myself it’s because I’m single, I tell myself it’s because of how young I am, but then I stop and think, am I taking this to far? Should I slow down and watch who I’m messing with, is all of this worth for just sex? Since Sunday morning I have had this thought in the back of my head that I’m currently going through a miscarriage, please let me be wrong. I have been in bed, by myself, crying my eyes out for days. Not knowing who to go to, not knowing if this is real or not. I talked to my co-worker named Ashley, who is currently about to graduate with her associates in nursing, about my symptoms. She is one of my closest friends as well so I want to say she told me what she thought I would want to hear. She claimed that I was going through a terrible period cycle because I’m having “a lot” of sex, note this, I have sex maybe once a week and have had sex constantly years back and have never gone through this, but she also said I could be right. It all started on Saturday night, I was leaving my friends house when I put on a tampon, believing I had started my cycle. I put on a super and as a woman you know how long that will last, the bar was no more than 10 minutes away from her house and after I had gone inside I felt strange, I felt it runny so I rushed to the bathroom, when I realized it was completely soaked, I couldn’t just leave so I shoved a whole bunch of toilet paper and decided to stay for a while longer. DJ was there, and if you read my last post you know exactly what happened that night. In the back of my head I couldn’t stop thinking about the bleeding and excessively kept rushing to the bathroom. After I had enough, I decided to go home, I felt disgusted, and got home and showered to clean up. I decided to put a fresh new tampon, and every girl is different but I usually go to sleep without anything on because of the fact that I don’t bleed when I sleep but this night I decided to because what was going on with my body. Sunday morning when I woke up, I woke up to my bed full of blood, so i rushed to the bathroom, and once I sat on the toilet, my tampon just dropped with a whole bunch of blood and clogs, that’s when I got scared, I took a whole  bunch of pain medication, and decided to ignore it and went on with my day and headed to work. I tried everything to be okay, but once I talked to Jasmine I started bawling and I am not a crier. I just want to know whats going on with my body, I want to know if I did loose a fetus or if this is just a cycle I haven’t experienced yet. Going to the doctor is my best choice right now but I’m scared, I’m scared to be right, and how will I go on with my days like nothing is wrong? I know I will always remember these last couple of days but It will always be something I was unsure about, and DJ? He has no idea and probably never will, he messaged me yesterday, probably to go over to his house and have sex but after all of this I don’t know if I want to hear from him again, I can’t talk to him about it because of the fact that I know he won’t care, to him this is not his problem and he might even be happy that it happened. I knew who I was getting myself into but I thought it was all fun and games until feelings got involved and I’m the one who ends up hurt but I have no one to blame but myself. Watch me blossom, I will grow, I will get stronger, I will learn from my mistakes. This, what I’m feeling right now doesn’t define me, this is just temporary.

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